Be Who They Want You To Be

So I found a job and a new place to live and things seemed to be looking up...

Does anyone know why, when everything finally seems to be going your way, something always has to go wrong?!

Got kicked out of another place of residence yesterday evening. I think that brings the count up to 83745882927474...or somewhere close.

Struggling seems to be a new home.

We all fall into a path of which is comfortable for us. We continue down it until we are forced from it or force ourselves from it.

I was in the profession of stripping for 2 and a half years. I quit the job but it never really quit me. It's still inside, sometimes urging to come out. There are some times when it's worse than others. If I see other dancers, I miss the job. If I feel like I'm not good enough looking or getting enough attention compared to other females I may be with. I know I can outshine any of them if I had all the makeup and clothes and whatnot on.

It became easier to hide behind the makeup and shoes than have a real personality. I was so used to being what everyone else wanted. It just became easier. High school was the same way. All I had to do was be who they wanted and I'd make it through the four years. I survived, barely.

Now that high school is far over and the years of getting naked for money seem to be behind me, how do I find myself and be my own person??

I remember working at the Vu, and all I wanted was to be different than every other girl there. I did things to try to be different...danced to music I brought in that no one else had, wore things most other girls weren't wearing that night, put objects (guitar picks, dice) and money in only one shoe instead of neither or both. All had no different result. The business and old men still loved me until I took my dress off and the punk kids still wanted me to give them free dances and my phone number.

I will follow a path. My path will be full of struggling. I will not let that detour me from my route. The attention starved girl from the Vu will always be there, deep down, but she will not conquer.

Why so Angry??

I have decided that being angry isn't worth it. I was mad at my mom, myself, and everyone around me for everything. I will never forgive my mother for the things she's done and the damage she's caused, but I can at least not let it run my life. She was getting everything she wanted by destroying me, from the inside out. There are far too many things going on to be missing out on the few good things that come my way. I just got sick of feeling sorry for myself all the time. It was time to grow up.

I have to say, it's so amazing. It seems like it's brighter out, the days are longer, and I have a good time. Being so self destructive was killing me on the inside and killing any friendships I had. How is it that you can be so angry at one person and take it out on everyone else??

I feel I'm not defined by my anger anymore. Now if only I could stop being defined by my past...