You ever get the feeling...

Do you ever get that feeling someone is watching you while you're failing?? But then the feeling never seems to show back up again when you're doing fantastic for yourself??

Why is it the world sees people get bigger and better, but no one notices when the little people fall??

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a hole, looking up at the world while it's laughing at me. I know my potential, but can't seem to get it together enough to do something with my life. I have been saying for years that I don't need anyone or anything and I can do it on my own. Well, so far, I'm still alive. Which is a feat in itself, but not nearly what I'm capable of, or happy with. I'm bored with my little world. I am so done with all the nonsense going on around me. What kind of a person does it take to be ready for help?? It's not admitting that I need it. Or begging for it. It's that I'm finally ready for it. Is it a weak person finally breaking?? Or is it a strong one knowing they are ready for it?? How do you know??

Have you ever noticed that when you are in a rut, or down in the dumps, there's no one to save you??

All of the 'good' friends and family in the world say they're there for you whenever you need. But when you need, or ask, no one helps. Do you think it's because they're scared?? It's hard to see someone you love in a tough situation. It's not something you want to get into yourself. No one wants to get dragged down with the other. So instead, we turn our cheek and pretend we don't notice. It's so much easier, and everyone's looking for the easy way out.

I enjoy, more than anything, my non-routine life. I like living the way no one else wants to. I couldn't be in a dead-end job day in and day out with nothing exciting on the side. It's what keeps me...me. My favorite book is called How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. It's by Jenna Jameson. People hear the title and the name and assume it's what it sounds like. When, in all reality, it's about her life and how she became the person she is today. Which, might I add, is actually nothing like you'd think...she's very intelligent and hard working to have gotten to where she is. The book makes me think of my life, and how it's not like the rest of the worlds'. If I would've grown up the way I started out, I would be so boring and sheltered. I would have never gotten the chance to be an individual. I sit and contemplate how big of a hole I'm in. But at least it has character.

How many people can look back on their life and say they did things not many have done?? How many can say they did something exciting, and spent their youth making and blowing money like it was a never ending ATM?? How many can say they've been at the bottom, with literally nothing, and worked their way back up with no one's help...more than once??

Not a whole lot, I'd say.

Think about it...

   Why is it when you find something really amazing, you don't realize it until it's gone? Like your favorite pair of jeans. You don't realize just how much you loved them until you can't wear them anymore. Or your first love. It's boring in the end, until a year or so later when you still find yourself thinking about them.
   How come smell is the strongest sense linked to memory? You smell a Christmas tree and think of the best Christmas you've ever had. Or a perfume makes you think of a loved one, or that one summer you had the greatest time. Most every time you smell something, it brings back a good memory. Why don't we link smell to bad memories?
   There are so many questions every person has and no one can really answer. I wonder if anyone will ever get their answers. I know I wonder why things happened in my past. I could sit down with people and ask why, but I fear it will only bring pain and fighting and bad feelings. Instead we bury all of it. We bury it in work, or sports, or our kids, or with bad habits.
   My family hates that I was a stripper (they don't know I am again, but I'm sure they'll soon find out). They say it's bad and a disgrace. It's not something a lady would do. I don't know about some people, but I know I've never once walked down the street and gotten scorned at for my job. No one knows what you do in your free time. I don't walk down the street and see a lawyer, automatically know it, and give him crap for letting the guilty go free. You can't tell that from looking at someone.
   As much as no one wants to hear it, I like my job. I enjoy what I do. Not the grinding on men part. Or the dealing with creeps part. But the glamour of it. The thrill of being on stage. I do have to say, the money is usually nice too. It honestly takes a strong person to do what those girls do. You can't just be anyone walking off the street. It's an entirely different world in there.
   Think about it for a minute, could you get up on a stage and be judged and graded by the opposite sex for 6 minutes at your most vulnerable? People think places of the sort are run by men and would go out of business if it weren't for the men. They also think it's degrading to the women working there and all over. Look at it from a different point of view. If it wasn't for the girls working there, the place wouldn't have customers. It wouldn't be able to even open it's doors. So, technically speaking, it's run by the ladies. If we're upset and don't want to work, we won't. In turn, not making the money, which doesn't make the club money. Making the place close down. Also, if the women felt degraded, we would have left. So it's simply a matter of opinion, and what side of the line you stand on.
   Think about it...

Hello There...

   This is my first ever blog, so bare with me. I decided I need somewhere to put everything that's in my head...other than in my head. This seemed to be the best spot for it.
   I went to see the movie Easy A tonight. I realized it's a whole lot more like my high school career was than I thought originally. You see, I got ridiculed and tortured and picked on about the same things everyone else did. But I also had a daughter soon after I turned 16. So I got sneered at for that too.
   More or less I'm not here to talk about my past, but where I am now because of it. So I'll catch everyone up quickly...
 -Up until I was 13, I lived the perfect life. I was grounded all the time and got into kid trouble but it was still the typical child's life.
 -Age 13: My dad dies in a car accident. I was a daddy's girl. I was devastated (and still am). My sister leaves for college. Leaving my mom and I alone.
 -Age 15: Get pregnant
 -Age 16: Have the most beautiful daughter, Kaylee Nicole. Also, get kicked out for the first time.
 -Age 17: Get my first job. Get kicked out once again, without Kaylee this time.
 -Age 18: Get kicked out for good. Mom steals Kaylee and Champlin cops suck so they say it's fine. Also start stripping.
 -Age 20: Quit stripping, get a real job.Mom gets full custody of Kaylee (Judges look down on strippers for mom's). All the while been moving from place to place, sleeping on the streets sometimes, and totaled my car.
 -Age 21: Get fired from my real job. Start stripping again.

   I know what you're thinking, I'm just some crazy girl who needs discipline and structure. Well I think the same. I've been looking for that for years now. I have been living by my own rules for far too long. It's a whole different world out there at night than what most people know. To be totally honest, I hope no one else ever has to find it out either. I'd never wish that upon my worst enemies.
   Not only have I had my crazy outward life, but my personal life, as in relationships, sucks too. It's confusing and I've been hurt too many times to count. People blame things on their parents too often. I really don't think mine had a whole lot to do with my relationship failure. But I do know I wouldn't be where I am today if my dad was still alive and my mom didn't wish I was never born.
   At the end of my day today, all I'm really wondering...
          Is there really a Prince Charming?? Is that boy really out there?? Are we all fooling ourselves into thinking we'll all be happy one day, if we work hard enough at it??